This report is nuts, but perhaps there’s a cautionary tale about drugs or alcohol in here somewhere. Besides, it’s way too weird to not post.

At about 4:15am on May 2nd, an “extremely intoxicated man” flagged down officers at 2nd and James Street in Pioneer Square.

The man told officers that about twenty minutes earlier, he was talking to several women on the street when an “unknown black male came up to [him] and offered to get the women to dance for him if he paid the man some money.”

Yeah, it only gets better.

The victim “went into a nearby alley or doorway to discuss the issue,” the report says, and “once in the alley, said he did not have any money to give the guy.”

Of course, the report says, “this made the guy upset and he began demanding money from” the victim.

The man then put the victim in a head-lock and “wrestled his wallet away from him.”

As the man was going through the victim’s wallet, the report says the mugger pulled out a knife and stabbed the victim. However, the report says, when police asked to see the victim’s injuries, he showed officers “the top side of his finger, which had a scratch on it which appeared more consistent with a fingernail scratch.”

The man told police the mugger took $100 out of his wallet, but left $250.00 inside. “I questioned him about this oddity,” Officer Gary Davenport wrote in his report. “He said the guy only took the money that his wife had given him as an allowance, and not the money on the other side of the wallet.

Officers were unable to locate any suspects or witnesses to the incident.

The report notes that Officer Davenport told the man he “doubt[ed] the veracity” of his story.

The man’s account of the incident is also flagged in the report as a  “suspicious narrative.”

No shit.