Seattle police are trying to find the person who posted an ad on Craigslist last month, trying to give away their four-year-old toddler.
On May 21st, an Orting, WA man reported the ad to police. The ad requests that interested parties send a 250-word essay stating why they “would be a fit parent” for the four-year-old.
Seattle’s Internet Crimes Against Children unit is investigating the post as a possible case of criminal mistreatment.
The letter has some stink on it—as in I have some serious doubts that this is real—but you can decide for yourself after the jump:
Free Toddler to a Good Home (Wallingford)
Just a little over four years ago, my wife and I decided that having a child was something that was in our best interests. After months and months (and months!) of attempts to get pregnant, one horrible miscarriage, some deep sould searching, and 5 weeks of fertility sessions, we were finally able to conceive our wonderful son, [redacted]
Everything started out great and followed the normal parenting routine: changing diapers, lack of sleep, breast-feeding, etc. Watching [redacted] take his first steps and say his first words were some of the most amazing moments of my life. He dd some other neat stuff too, I just don’t feel the need to get into too much detail because they weren’t anything remarkable or extraordinary, it was just normal kid stuff.
But, here we are today, almost three years since [redacted]’s birth, and the wife and I need a change. All this kid does now is eat and poop and eat some more, or complains that his “teeth hurt” or that he is “cold and itchy” or that his “tummy hurts,” and he is always running around and getting dirty. If there was such a thing as a dirt magnet, [redacted] would be one. Sometimes the wife and I taunt hum and call him “Pigpen” over and over — the we have a good laugh as we watch [redacted]’s tears make little brown streaks down his fat little cheeks. We have pretty much given up on bathing him at this point because the act, in and of itself, fits the defiinition of “polishing a turd” to s tee.
Outside of [redacted]’s hygiene and ability to potentially eat us out of house and home, the wife and I just want our old lives back. We want to travel and see the world and the wife is talking about going to art school and pursuing her dream to be a bust sculptor for wealthy aristocrats. Who am I to stand in her way? More importantly, who is [redacted] to stand in her way (or MY way, for that matter)? Maybe I want to get my pilot’s license or take a seasonal job on a cruise ship, but how am I supposed to do that with this knee-high food processor/complaint factory following me around everywhere I go?
As you can see, the wife and I are at a crossroads in our lives and this kid has got to go. We can admit that bringing a child into this world was a massive oversight on our part, and now we want out.
[Redacted] is a decent kid, we would describe him as “average” as far as kids go. Don’t expect him to grow up and find a cure for cancer or get a job at NASA or anything like that. Given his penchant for getting dirty, I would imagine him ending up as a construction worker or a sewer maintenance supervisor, at best. People tend to say he is cute (usually before they catch a whiff of the rank, spoiled cabbage stench that seems to emanate from every pore of [redacted]’s body) and that he has nice eyes (which are an electric blue that, ironically, really tends to *pop* when [redacted] has taken one of his many rolls in the ditch in front of our house). You can be the judge though.
The screening process the wife and I have devised should be simple enough. If you are interested, all we ask is that you send a head shot and a written proposal (250 words or less please, we don’t have all the time in the world to read emails) stating why you would be a fit parent for [redacted]. Bribes also help, but are not entirely necessary as we would rather see [redacted] go ASAP — his departure from our lives is reward enough!
If you are interested in this wonderful child, please submit your 250-words via the email link above. We can’t wait to hear from you!