In Which The Atlanta Falcons Make Me Look Like A Fantasy Football Savant

After last week’s narrow win over the Arizona Cardinals, you may have somehow deluded yourself into believing the Seahawks are not, in fact, a terrible team.

Get ready for the cold, bitter taste of Falcon-y sobriety on Sunday.

But, Hawks fans, know that your weakness will be my strength this weekend.

The Atlanta Falcons—who Josh refers to as “the team with the guy with the pitbull or whatever”—like the Hawks, are a 1-2 team this season, in the hunt for a .500 record (Fun fact: Four of the five bird-related NFL teams—the Eagles, Falcons, Hawks, and Cardinals—sit at 1-2. The Murderopolis Ravens are 2-1).

The Falcons—who gave up about 9 gazillion picks to the Cleveland Browns to move up in the draft and take Julio Jones—were supposed to tear shit up and look like a Super Bowl team right out of the gates.

Except Michael “the Burner” Turner has had the blazing speed of a 60-year-old man, and Matt Ryan keeps forgetting which team he’s supposed to throw to.

Which means I’m totally counting on the the Falcons will validate my decision to draft Turner’s broken-down ass and trade for Roddy White in my fantasy league, and go all crazy-video-game-score on the Hawks on Sunday.

A high-scoring game means lots of passing. And guess what the Hawks aren’t so good at?

I predict Ray Edwards and/or John Abraham will have turned Tavaris Jackson into a sock puppet by halftime.

But yay for my fantasy team! (Those of you that bemoan how fantasy football makes people root against their home teams can cram it with walnuts.)

Speaking of rooting against the Hawks, another loss might seem like good news for those of you out there dreaming of winning the Andrew Luck sweepstakes next season, newsflash: the Colts are so going to go 0-16 this season and fuck us out of that one.

Oh, and PS, anybody wanna buy an Aaron Curry?