Showdown In C-Town: Which Team Will Reach .500?!?!?!?!?

I thought for sure that this week’s game against Cleveland would be an easy win for the Seahawks. Then I realized that it’s an away game in the eastern time zone (10 am our time), which west coast teams typically struggle with. It’s a statistically verifiable fact that everyone on the west coast smokes pot on the weekends and sleeps in.

Count on the Hawks looking sluggish through the first half, but they do have one thing going for them: the Browns are objectively bad.

Not bad in the way Miami is (such is the fate of a team named after nature’s tastiest animal). But they’re a different kind of awful.

How many Browns players can you name?

Peyton Hills! That’s somebody! I mean, he’s so famous he was on the cover of Madden this year. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN!!!

This is why Hillis will be  watching this weekend’s game from the sidelines, as he nurses his contract dispute hamstring injury. Hillis was the only thing the Browns really had going for them last year. This year, they’ve got a fun-sized qb, and a bunch of receivers you’ve never heard of.

Meanwhile, we have Charlie Whitehurst. Or maybe Tavaris Jackson. It doesn’t matter. This is a hypothetically-winnable game, but much like that win against the Giants two weeks ago, it’s going to be clumsy (…and totally fun to watch).

Still no word on whether TJax or Aragorn are starting for the Hawks this week. Shit’s gonna get real.

Confidential to my fantasy league: you know how your mom told you not to pick at it or it wouldn’t heal? That same rule applies to our league. I know that our league’s schedule was (and is) so messed up.  Trying to fix it only made it worse. I’m sorry. I love you.